LOVE LANGUAGES

Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to your partner. Another dialect is encouraging words.

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Love makes requests, not demands.

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People speak different love languages.

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For example:

A man was constantly affirming words to his wife when he told her how beautiful she was, he loved her, how proud he was to be her husband. He was speaking love and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Maybe she was looking for love in his behavior and didn’t see it. Being sincere is not enough.

We tend to speak our primary emotional love language and we become confused when our partner does not understand what we are communicating. If we want our partner to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in their primary love language.

Real love unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

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Love languages.

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There are 5 different love languages:

#1. Words of affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

#2. Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undividedattention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there— with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby— makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions,postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

#3. Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak thislanguage, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

#4. Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

#5. Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

If your partner's primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important that holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care.

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Love touches may be explicit and demand your full attention such as in a back rub or sexual foreplay, culminating in intercourse. On the other hand, love touches may be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee or rubbing your body against him as you pass in the kitchen.

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Love Language #5:Physical Touch

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Love Language #4: Acts of Service

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Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. Such actions as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, getting hairs out of the sink, getting bugs off the windshield, taking out the garbage, changing the baby’s diaper, painting a bedroom, dusting the bookcase, keeping the car in operating condition, washing or vacuuming the car, cleaning the garage, mowing the grass, trimming the shrubs, dusting the blinds, and changing the cat’s litter box are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy.

People tend to criticize their partner most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love.

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When both person’s emotional needs are met, your relationship will take on a whole new dimension.

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Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others.

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That’s why individuals have different attitudes toward wedding rings. Some never take the ring off after the wedding. Others don’t even wear a wedding band. That is another sign that people have different primary love languages. If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the ring you have given me and I will wear it with great pride. I will also be greatly moved emotionally by other gifts that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

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A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money.

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them.

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Do you know how to apologize?

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Chances are you do what your parents taught you, but that may not be enough. Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I discovered that people have different ideas on what it means to apologize. In fact there are five languages of apology. If you don’t speak the right language you are not likely to have a favorable response.

If you aren’t sure how to apologize, consider saying this: “I value our relationship. What do I need to do or say in order for you to consider forgiving me?” Their answer will reveal their ‘primary apology language’. Express your apology in that language and will likely receive forgiveness.

The emotional need for love must be met if we are to have emotional health. We feel secure when we are assured that our mate accepts us, wants us, and is committed to our well-being.

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Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different.

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Practical tips when developing the art of listening:

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1. Maintain eye contact when your PARTNER is talking.

2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.

3. Listen for feelings.

4. Observe body language.

5. Refuse to interrupt.

Quality time can mean spending time together sharing quality conversation. That is sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

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Togetherness has to do with focused attention. It means we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person.

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